I should have this tattooed on my forehead. Actually I should have it everywhere: as I wake up in the morning my alarm should shout out baby steps; as I open my diary it should be printed across each day; as I write my to do list it should be plastered across my notebook; as I get carried away with my latest project an alarm should go off every hour shouting BABY STEPS.
Yes, I am classic Type A: driven, a few control issues (nice!), perfectionist tendencies and high expectations of myself. Was this part of the reason I became unwell? Hell yeah! Do I accept that in some way I need to change to get fully better? Kind of! Okay, I DO. So this session – which is all about exploring what changes you need to make to live a healthy, balanced and happy life – feels like it was written just for me. It asks you to think about whether or not CFS was a rather LOUD message from your body that things in your life need to change.
It is nearly 7 years since I first became unwell. (Yes, I have been a little slow to interpret the messages!) I had the classic Type A busy life: big job, studied an MBA part time, gym habit, busy social life, blah blah. I didn’t think I was stressed. But I guess my body thought differently because one day it just stopped – and it wouldn’t start again.
For the first couple of years of being unwell I struggled to get a proper diagnosis and as a result I unintentionally did lots of things that perpetuated the cycle of illness. Then once I did get the diagnosis of CFS, I ‘attacked’ getting better in classic Type A fashion; I was damn well going to be good at recovery! And my goal was to get back to my old life as quickly as possible. Yup, crazy – and ignorant! – woman.
Then about 3 years ago I started to embrace a holistic approach to recovery (well, being a crazy woman hadn’t worked): changes to diet, supplements, pacing, yoga, relaxation and most importantly, BABY STEPS. And what at first was unthinkable to me is now blatantly obvious: I don’t want my old life back. I am now embracing a new way of life. I am all about moving forward in a bubble of balance and baby steps. No, I am.
But the trouble is, saying all of this is not enough. A fast paced approach to life was ingrained in my identity and shifting those beliefs takes time. So I think I am part of the way there but this session has reminded me I still have some work to do. The exercises both reinforced some things I know I need to watch out for and also made me face up to a couple of new shockers!
One exercise challenged me to think about what benefits I get from my current level of wellness. In some ways at the moment I am in a protected bubble from ‘normal’ life: I am well enough to do more with my time but not quite well enough to be burdened with some of the stresses of ‘normal’ life, such as job stress and mortgages. And an extension of this for me is fear. I know that after 7 years of being out of the rat race ‘normal’ life scares me. I look at my husband’s life and my friend’s lives and they just seem so crazily busy; I think there is no way I can cope with that. And I am fairly confident that this fear holds me back – even if this is on a subconscious level. But the subconscious is incredibly powerful and needs to be on board to make real change happen.
And as for my light bulb moment: being ill is bringing me kudos – lots of! Being positive about recovery and living with a chronic illness (which has kinda become my thing) leads to lots of gushing compliments. ‘I don’t know how you stay so positive’; ‘You’re amazing the way you are so determined’; ‘I really admire the way you handle being ill’; and so on…and on. OMG. I have swapped being successful in my career to being successful at being ill. I know I need to learn to just be Karen to move forward; I am working on it.
So once again, the session has been thought provoking and useful. And what people really want to know – is the programme helping? Yes, it is. Is it a miracle cure? No. But with something as complicated as CFS that was never going to be the case. There are so many factors to address, so many different parts of the body that have been affected and so many life style changes that need to be made, that there is never going to be a simple solution. And actually I think accepting this has been an important part of my recovery journey. But then if you are all about the baby steps you are happy to take your time!
Karen Cripps
www.sofaandthecity.blogspot.com
